where will weeps
and wails, wanting
admission. Everyday
counting breath as pearls
words as diamonds
conversationis gold is
sunlight this bluebright
skysea, floating near and
liquid horizantal these cloudships
could carry me untethered
to nerve lines. Let me lasso signal
for instruction, connect me to me
reconnect circuits, cloud’s light
space instruct me, demonstrate
Akua Lezli Hope
In this undoneness I must further undo
so much that I once knew
naked before women whose names are unkown
explain which dark part natural, which flesh is mine
show what I never had to show
let ego's shred and ragged clothing go
evicted from what i own
say when I will be ready to move
without map, vehicle, direction, clue
through heavy doors
pain, my new companion is steady
and surprising
toll taker, grant me passage
to the lit road, I can walk upon, again
You forget that you are someone’s job
something they want to hurry away from
a way to pay bills, daycare, college fees
You remember when your butt goes numb
45 minutes of hard plastic pressed in soft flesh
You remember when supper comes late,
tea cup, empty, soup cold, or missing,
no tater tots, no salad, no grapes
each and everyday, irksome things you cannot undo
When help disappears and pain is invisible
though sniffed, scrubbed with disinfectant hand gels
you learn to plan many moves ahead,
wrap requests in ribbons, create sequences,
hoard packets of sugar, salt, pepper, dressings,
call for help an hour before the ambulatory
flee your immobile flesh for home.
III
Each person who enters
changes the room:
moves the netted curtain
exposing me to view
leaves the closed door open
tugs the heavy wingback seat askew
sniffs my air, exhales their scent
stabs quiet, braying empty news
lowers safety rails
moves bags away from easy reach
narrows the tight path
I must wheel through
In the Bollywood flick
my neurologist, Kruthavanti
would doctor the plump rich
marry a gorgeous unhappy someone
be tormented by some dusty village
secret, how he got away, how he is
tethered to a struggling past
his wriggling sack of bones
clanks in broomclosets,
file cabinets, washrooms
He pricks my insensate legs
with splintered toothpicks,
hammers unmoving knees
cheerlessly, chucks my chin
aside from his stethoscope
that my patient breath not soil
inquiry, then rushes to wash
again and again and again,
hands which never touched me,
clean.
Akua Lezli Hope
I still walk in dream
my firm calves whisper
they’ve been somewhere
some near flesh body
works the way it always
did, without thought or pain
no tears water cracked flesh,
wrinkled toes blush and bloom
with blood that moves
all tiny cries of hot sandpaper streams,
hiss of lava lines and itchy lightning bolts
quiet in moving muscles,
signals that transmit
my long full thigh
piston pumping stride
without machine without wheels
feet meet ground and lift off
lift up. if you see her
walking down your street
tell her to rejoin me
it’s my turn again
I.
We, who count on nothing
open narrow blinds to lengthening day
measure minutes free from pain
seize laughter, bingo, puzzles, cards
ravenous as winter birds
snatching seeds from snow
II.
Strange rumblings at night
from above where dementia lives
frighten Barbara, at unit’s end, awake
are they tormented or tormentors?
3 a.m. cartoon Inuyasha
slays 15th century demons
again and again, comforting me
This self proclaimed Latin King
flaunts his rule bending
“I am mucho macho” Jose grins
as patients struggle to follow
his dictates: more, once more, again
always requiring they push past
limitations. He always has the last
word at home. We guess ”yes dear”
as he is both chef and bus boy,
knows how to cajole and distract
us from our pain, our fear, that
long mouthed grin pushes arroz cheeks
against ancient frijoles negros eyes
watching grown ups toddle, twist
and sway, recalling what yesterday
yielded and what tomorrow can bring:
strength. If not sun, then surely his smile
Akua Lezli Hope
